I just need to get these out of my head

RESTARTING MY OWN CENTRAL PROCESSING UNIT

When you use the computer too much and download too many things, it starts to hang. The first thought that might appear in your head is to restart the computer. And that's what I have to do now, to restart my own CPU.There were many things that bothered me last month and the highlight was: did I make the right decision? Alright, I partly regret my decision. I realized I'll always be an MSUAN by heart. I miss everything about MSU; the students,the slippers,the TMs,the pater,the flood, the cool breeze, everything. And thus, I don't feel at home in SLS. My mind is in SLS but my heart longs for MSU. But having an item is not part of my regret, that's the last thing I would want from being an MSU instructor. Morrie said something like feeling what you are going through and then let go. I felt the regret and have lingered to it for too long, it's about time that I let go. I must face my decision and be positive about it. I should stop whining about everything that I have been going through. I should just look at the brighter side and look forward for a hard but rewarding year.

It's not about where I work or who do I work for. It's about how I work. If I'm miserable as of the moment it's not because the kids are giving me migraines or the bosses are asking many things but it's because I am not taking things positively. And it's because I am not too willing to accept changes. In short, I'm simply being stupid. And this has got to stop!

I am a teacher. The brain cells of those kids are my responsibility. I was able to face bigger challenges before, why can't I survive this one now? This is just the start of my career and it's a shame if I give up now. I will go to class tomorrow with optimism and enthusiasm. I will prepare everyday and reach for my goals. I have always been a super woman, why can't I be now?

I can do this!

WHY HIM

Because he is not perfect and he is not trying to be one. He understands my head and how it works. He sweetly smiles when he sees me frowning, how could I not smile back? He teases me when I am almost angry. He knows when to answer back and when to keep quite. We look at each other and we know what we are both thinking. When I commit a mistake, he laughs with me. He is the only person who can make my "no" a "yes" and my "yes" a "no". He tells me when to stop and when to go on. He is an older brother when I am stubborn, a clown when I am sad, an adviser when troubled, my smile when I am sad, and my light when everything just seem to be dark. He supports me when I am right and pinches me when I am wrong. I just smile and his irritation fades. He does not need to say a word and I know what those eyes are saying. A touch in my nose means how could I not say yes? A touch in my chin means how I missed you and squeeze in my arm means take care. He tells me when he committed something and could not sleep if I do not forgive him. Like every normal human being, we fight. But we both could not hold a long grudge. And when we see each other, we laugh and ask "and what did we fight about?". We do not communicate a lot and he understands why. We take time for each other and then back to our individual must dos. A thought of him brings a smile in my lips. No other person can make my horns blow and no other person can make me smile the way he does. He does not tell me he is mine, he just shows it to me and to everyone else. I have not known a man who wants to say and hear the three words most of the time, either through phone or personally. He does not make it sound cheesy but...magical. It's him. He does not care about my failures or imperfections and I do not care about his too. He makes me REAL, HUMAN, AND ALIVE.



I have a good job and an great opportunity to be molded. A good relationship with my friends and my family. And add to that, a great guy. How could I not be thankful?

Mumbling Thoughts in My Head

I can buy the things I used to want.
I can spend money not worrying about my salary being delayed.
I can easily give to people around me who needs little financial help.
Everyday I am inside comfortable classrooms.
I do not worry about water supply, broken chairs and tables.
I write on glossy white boards.
I can print materials any time I want.
I can have the books I order as soon as possible.
I say " I need this..." and zoom, I have it.


But I am not happy.

Day by day, I try to find meaning in what I do.
I ask myself " this was your decision, why are you complaining now?".
No matter how I plan the things I would do, it would just be thrown in the trash can. Unrealized.
I watch the clock as it tick tock on the wall.
And when it hits 4 o'clock, I excitedly pack my bag.

It just doesn't seem right.

I try to convince myself: Those kids need me.
But seeing their faces would only hit one word in my head: Migraine.
I try to think of the parents of those kids.
But then again, another word appears in my head: Nanny.

Is this another cause of my incapability in accepting changes?
Or is this the consequence of not thinking thrice?

Maybe Allah is teaching something or is testing me in the word I do not apply much in my life: PATIENCE.

L-O-V-E

I never thought I would fall this hard. Damn love. I used to be the hard one; I can let go just like that and never look back. But this time? God, love has conquered every imaginable corner of my hypothalamus. Who have thought I would submit willingly? ( not the physical part, no-uh) Sometimes I ask, what is it with him that I saw for me to be this crazy about him? It's not the looks because looking back, I never appreciated his looks. His humor? Maybe. His kindness? Perhaps. But I don't love him because of those, I love him for an uncertain reason even if a meteor hit my head I won't be able to find that reason.

There are moments when I hate the way I feel...I feel so vulnerable. It's like if he tells me he'd leave then I would prefer that meteor to really hit me in the head and make me forget everything. But no, I don't want to forget everything especially the long years of friendship we had.

It's seems weird especially in times like this when we are not so much in good terms. It's just a tinnie winnie little thing and it freaking hurts me. My usual reaction when being hurt is to get out of the relationship. Yes, I'm that a freak. But right now, even if the little hurt becomes gigantic, I can't imagine of actually letting him go. It feels stupid sometimes and I hate myself for it. But I can't...I really really really can't...If I see him right now, my mind would like to hit him in the head but my body just wants to hug him and tell him I'm sorry am such a freak.

Gee, I'm freaking out again. It's actually my fault because I know how he will feel and I still did it. And moreover, I am talking about random things here I don't even know if there's a connection. Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Go to bed Ray.

I CAN

I know I can do it..of course I can! I made of it and I'll show them what is it..

..whoa!!! I caAaAAnn!!!!!! I AM GOING TO ROCK TOMORROW!!!!!!! ^_^

...NoW ThaT I aM=)

...Of course I am to make myself a blog, Bday ko rin nah..haha!

..Wow..2o years of living. If I am to write a book about my life for the past 20 years, it would possess perhaps ten volumes? hehe..As everyone knows, I met storms and hurricanes on my way here. I went through tough times I never thought I would be able to survive them. And along the way, I met different people and with that I also became different 'rays'. People have known me to be this tough girl some even idolized because of experiences. But you know what? Even if people describe me differently, if I'll be asked ' who's ray?', I won't be able to give a direct and clear answer. That's one of the things I tried answering for the past few years of my life. What do I want? Where do I wanna go? Who am I? Questions, Questions and never answered.


Now that I am an "adult', I think it's time to answer those. I think, after many pondering, I Finally know what I have long been finding.


Since my childhood, I have been with many group of people. And if you ask them to describe me, they would give you different answers to the extinct you'll think they are describing other rays. hehe.Who was my first best friend? It's shiro, shocked? hehe. We were best friends and best enemies. With her, I was the weakling always with a hairstyle hehe. I was the little missy, "maarte", and the shy girl who would not answer nor volunteer in the class. And then Shi and I were separated by childish 'aways' and I was lead to our ex-enemy memet(hehe). I became part of the " Raffjoes". I was the bunso of the group na parating inaapi ni si shiba.hahaha! Not really, she was always against my way f dressing; no style daw hehe. Memet and Pawie would always back me up and fight for me (awwww...love you ates! hehe) My Dear dear mom would ask them to look out for. I was the 'mute' in the class who, sometimes, would not talk for hours. I was never seen smiling too. My teachers got worried they thought I was possessed! haha! Who was ray during elementary? Mahinhin daw..maarte..silent..sad...shy...and coward..hehe..


Unexpectedly, I was placed in a super different group of people. I spent my first year in Balo-i. They saw me to be 'unique'. Guess what? I was the muse of the class! hahaha! I was ms. pretty from the city. From them, I learned to joke around, to laugh out loud out of nothing. I became out spoken, tough, and would fight anyone who would try to bring me down (char!). After a year, I came back in Marawi and hello DC! All my friends were a bit shocked of how I turned to be anther person. I would always answer in the class, join all the clubs I was invited. I had a louder voice heard by everyone. I became the 'boyish ray'. For the swallow boys, I was 'pres. batungkal' their buddy in the class who could ride with them. For the Narra, I was the 'snob' new comer, for the Mendel I was the ' mainitin ang ulo'.hehe. Things changed and I was separated to bez met and shiv. I became a 'mohir'. Iwas the ' this is not he real me girl with tons of predicaments in life and love'. They saw me to be that strong girl whom they askd for advises. from then on, I became that 'ray': an adviser, fighter, and sad. I was the ambitious girl who would want to reach the top of the world even I will be lonely at the top. I did nt dream of a family. Money, success, and travel were all in my head. Thank God I fail in Accountancy! haha!

Then I met the Bakas people of Ems..so mga ribal roo ah..hehehe. At first, I did not jive with them. they thought I was this serious always with a frowning face snob. But later on, they saw how crazy I could be! I learned to enjoy.. as in the real sense of the word. From then on, many freaking realizations crept in my brain.hehe..


In college, I ask myself, from these rays hat people knew, who is the real me? That took four years of pondering. And the Answer? I am me=) An ordinary woman with a simple dream=) I have a heart to help the unfortunate. Whenever I help an old person or poor kid, I can't explain the happiness inside my bursting. It even brings me to tears. I hope one day, I will be an instrument to help them live a better life. I love my family that I am dedicating my studies t them. I want to see them happy=) I love my friends and it is always my happiness to give them something, to surprise them. You know why I always try to Surprise all of you? because seeing all of you smile, makes me so happy=) I dream of teaching English and that's that. My ultimate dream? To be a good Mother to my children and the best wife to my husband=) I believe I am sent here as a woman because I am to fulfill that position. And at long last, I know what I want : I WANT TO BE A CHEF! yes! juday na juday! hehe...

..TO EVERYONE THANK YOU! I wont mention names and endearments beacuse it will take a long list, hehe... you all make my life worth living! THANK YOU FOR ROCKING MY LIFE!



..to pardz,, ( exception,hehe) thank you for everything. you are my greatest blessing, fOr the lOve, care, everything, you are my happiness, my love, my man, I am running out Of time so in short, YOU ARE THE BEST! I LOVE YOU MUCH MUCH!